I grew up in China and I came to the states when I was 16. I spoke very little English at the time. As I was asking myself how poetry found me at this stage of my life. Why me? I ask. I often think back on the time when I didn’t know who I was (still don't), nor did I have the ability to communicate the confusion of not knowing.
When you experience the loss of words
No I don’t just mean physically
Which is another whole story on its own
I mean mentally
Especially mentally
I could murmur and sob
Scream and jump
Sigh and lie down
But i was unable to form my reasons with the right words
Express feelings in complete sentences that could be understood
Ask for help as the first syllable got stuck
in my throat
Am I pronouncing this right?
Is my accent showing?
What does this word mean again?
So the sorrow stayed
Stored in my body
Each missing word at a time
I was too busy faking laughs
To jokes that I didn’t understand
Putting on masks that felt the furthest from home
To blend in
To hide behind
To survive
I wanted to be invisible so i hummed along the crowd and let others’ words took power over mine
You can’t write
You talked too bluntly
I wanted to be invisible so I changed my name and undress my accent
I am not even going to try to pronounce your name
Says my college professor
That’s okay, I go by Jade
I wanted to be invisible so I bit down on my lips and lowered my head
Where are you from from?
What kind of Asians are you?
I went to Taiwan on a summer break
Andre Lorde says
Poetry is the way we give names to the nameless, so it can be thought
So our feelings can be expressed, shared and heard
Poetry cobble all the pieces of our darkness
the unknowns and the hideaways
Arms us with tools to create light
From the dim corners of our hearts and furthest horizon of our hope and despair
We hold the pieces up against the light
As proof that
We are alive
We are not alone in these beautiful yet dark feelings
Words turned
Poetry turned
Understanding turned
Holding hands turned
Unclenching jars turned
Me and you turned
A breathe out
